How the deer woods became my proving ground and my path out of fear

I struggled gravely with an undiagnosed anxiety condition in my early twenties. It impacted my decision-making, relationships, ability to travel, and willingness to try new things. I was driven by the ‘what if’ and fear of encountering a new situation, more than the excitement of the experience. I missed out on a lot, from time with friends to adventures outdoors, and even some important family events that I couldn’t bring myself to travel to. 

This cascade of lost happiness led to some aggressive bouts of depression, which in turn led me to think deeply about what made me happy.

What bubbled up time and again were my days in the Boy Scouts, the self-sufficiency and joy I felt spending summers at Camp Goshen, or hiking trails all around the state. Time outside brought me joy, so I decided to find my way back to that. 

As I continued to evolve in my outdoor pursuits, I eventually decided I wanted to try my hand at hunting and dove in headfirst. Nearly ten years later, I’m a dedicated deer and duck hunter and staunch public land advocate. 

Hunting has reshaped everything from my outlook on life to my career.

Hunting has taught me a lot about failure and acceptance. I’m almost entirely self-taught, and the fact that I’ve ever tasted venison is primarily thanks to YouTube and a few generous friends. It took me three years to learn that you don’t wash your hunting gear in Tide. 

Anxiety has taught me a lot about failure and acceptance. I’ve started on what, at the time, were ambitious road trips for a borderline agoraphobe, only to break down a few hours from home and turn around. It took me ten years to learn that you suffer more in imagination than reality. 

The Stoic Philosopher Epictetus says, “Devote the rest of your life to making progress.” This is a lesson that’s as tangible in the deer woods as it is in the subconscious. 

As a new hunter, I was beside myself to even think that I’d seen a deer, much less put my cross hairs on one. The same could be said of my anxiety- doing things at peace that used to cause distress was progress, no matter how small. 

Eventually, that first set of antlers hit the dirt. It’s a memory that will stay with me forever, a small buck coming in on a line, right to my stand. I vividly remember blinking my eyes in disbelief before raising my rifle. It had happened. After my shot split the air on that November morning, I stayed in the stand feeling the adrenaline dump into my body. I spent the rest of the day learning to process the animal and the experience that comes with a successful hunt.

Doing something that ten years ago would have been impossible because of my anxiety is no different. It’s about making progress.

One of the beautiful things about hunting is that I’m now excited to travel. I want to go further to pursue different animals, or just to explore new places. We’re lucky to have a range of terrain where I live, and so I’ve made a game of pursuing swamp bucks one year, mountain bucks the next, and on and on. All the time, feeling more self-sufficient, more confident, and calmer. 

“Devote your life to making progress” suggests that the goal isn’t about achieving perfection, but about making the effort to improve. Of course, we all want that Iowa wall hanger on the ground, we all want to look and feel like the host of a hunting show, and that’s okay, but the path there is incremental growth over time.

It’s about taking that extra step to scout a little more, or walk a little further into the deer woods, or discard your anxiety and accept the situation as it is, letting that be enough.

Published by: James Moffitt